Relinquishing control

I don't know about you, but I am a self-confessed control freak. The thing that I have found the most difficult about motherhood so far is relinquishing that control. I am a teacher, Head of English, a career that requires me to take control of situations and use my initiative. Going from a career that requires a certain level of control to a slower pace of life where I have little control has taken a lot of adjustment. Many people think the thought of having a year 'off' would be great, however I really struggle to just be still and to go with the flow. 

The first two weeks of recovery were the most difficult for me mentally because I couldn't physically do all of the things I wanted to do. Ivy was born using forceps and I had to have an episiotomy, meaning my healing time increased. I relied on Matt, my fiance, a lot. He ended up being a carer, chef, cleaner and Daddy all during his paternity leave, something which I felt guilty for, because I felt as if he should be allowed the full two weeks to just be with Ivy, as I am getting a whole year with her during maternity. I didn't feel as if this was fair. Something that people don't tell you about postpartum is the immense feeling of guilt you feel about everything. I feel as if asking for help, or admitting I am struggling with certain things, makes me an awful Mum. I think this all comes down to the control thing. Truth is, asking for help is something to be commended, as it shows you are willing to do anything to provide for your child. That's how I am trying to see it anyway! 

Anyway, back to control. When you have a newborn your usual routine completely goes out of the window. Your day is now revolving around the demands of your baby; when they want to feed, when they want to play, when they need changing. Going out anywhere is like an army style mission, not to mention you have to pack as if you are going on a week-long holiday. The thing I have really struggled with is making plans. I want to see people for my own sanity, however I hate being late to anything. This is something now I have had to get used to, because let me tell you, nothing runs to schedule with a little one in toe! You think you are just about ready and then they spit up on their outfit or go for a poo and need changing. Luckily it is all worth it though - when you see them smile at you, when they wrap their tiny hand around your finger, when they calm down just by being close to your skin. Relinquishing control is tough, but it is a part of motherhood I am going to have to get used to! It doesn't make you weak to ask for help, it makes you human. 

Jess x